An Introverted mind in an extrovert's body

Kissing the future..

2011-11-11T10:23:00.002+08:00

Today marked the last day of Fran joining me on The Morning Rush (since Chico's on leave). Yesterday before the show ended somebody reminded us of the future wedding vows we wrote to our non-existent fiances and so we decided to do the Top 10 things you'd wanna say to your future boyfriend/girlfriend. We were so surprised at the amount of messages we got from people today, I guess it just goes to show that deep down inside of everyone, there's a budding romantic wanting to come out.

We never even remembered that today was 11/11/11 so it all kind of fell into place. So in keeping with the tradition of wishing, here are our messages to our future significant others.

So Fran came up with two entries..

Dear Future Boyfriend,

It's 11.11.11 today, I've been doing it all my life, but since today is the day for it, I'll wish for you harder than ever before.

and

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I really dont know when you'll arrive, I dont even know if I want you right now. But when the time is right, I'm hoping you'll ease all my fears and wrap your arms around me and give me that one solid hug I've been waiting for. Dont be shocked if I cry a little, because its been an amazing adventure to get to you and now that you're here im happy that we can share the next adventure together.

Here's my message to the future..

Dear Future Girlfriend,

I especially like how quirky you can be, and how sometimes you're a dork just like me.

I like how you don't care about what the world thinks, and how you laugh at my jokes even if they stink.

I hope that eventually we'll be on the same boat, because I know that when that happens life will be on a happier note.

So for now I say hey, coz I'm hoping that when we get together all you'll get to say is yay.

And with that, thank YOU for making 11/11/11 memorable for us. Here's to all of our wishes coming true :)

10-12-11

2011-10-12T17:50:00.003+08:00

There are times in your life when you'd imagine that you'd never fall, but then again here's life throwing you a curve ball.

You were fine just the way you were oblivious to emotion, and then the next thing you know in your head, love's the only notion.

You see yourself unsure of where you wanna be, yet you see yourself with this girl and she's constantly in your dreams.

You're walking around in the dark not entirely sure of where you're going, but you don't see it as a bad thing because you're constantly hoping.

You hide your excitement to conceal what you really feel, but you and your friends know the whole darn deal.

You think she's pretty amazing and disarmingly charming, and when you're around her you always feel your heart pounding.

You're always thinking of the right words to say around her, but no matter how hard you try your mind always seems to falter.

Your friends tell you how you should conduct yourself around her, but in your head none of this stuff really matters.

You constantly remind yourself to think of it as a game, but when you try to act suave all that goes through your head is "man, that was lame".

You don't know where this is heading but you hope and pray to God that it won't be a dead end.

You've been down similar roads before but you feel it's different, you hope this time that you've got better judgement.

You can't deny the fact that it makes you a happy camper, though you're scared that this might just turn into another disaster.

So here you are standing at the edge of a cliff thinking about jumping, the only question left is do you think you're worth catching?

When lambs become lions.

2011-03-17T02:44:00.003+08:00

There are certain moments in life where you find yourself misguided, lost or simply stuck in a crossroad. There are times when you find yourself doubting who you are, what you're capable of and who you really are. You ask yourself questions like "what's wrong with me?" "Am I of any value?" or "Do I deserve to be this way?" Basically a lot of self-doubt is instilled on you specially after something nerve-wracking happens to you. Maybe you got rejected, maybe you got humiliated or maybe it just happened but just like any fall that you take in life whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally, you get to a point where you realize that you need to stand up. You need to get up off of the floor and you just need to rebuild things in your life. Self confidence, self esteem and just everything about yourself. You get to the point where you realize that you have to stop doubting what you're capable of & you realize how much potential you have. You start to believe in yourself again or if that doesn't happen to you, you force yourself to believe in you. You realize that there is nothing wrong with you, that you are fine just the way you are and there's nothing you need to change about you. It hits you that you have to get out of the slump you're in and that you have to just brush it off and start trying again. Just like in acting, sometimes certain parts are just not meant for you, it's just not your character. It's not because you're a bad actor or anything, it's just that the part isn't for you & even if you believe & know that you can do the part extremely well, it's not your fault. Blame it on the director or the people who handle the casting for not seeing who you are, who you can be, and what greatness you can do. They say the best way to build something is from the ground up.. If you see yourself in a situation where you feel like you hit rock-bottom then look at it as a blessing.. You can rebuild yourself completely and with stronger foundations, you can be whoever or whatever you want to be with nothing holding you back. When you fall, you just have to find the strength to get back up and you'll see yourself stronger than you were, and much much better. You have a lot to offer and if someone or some situation doesn't see that, then offer it to someone else, someone that'll make you feel appreciated, someone who will need you and someone who will see the good that you bring about with you, not letting it go to waste & not letting it pass them by. You can't force anything to happen, it just does. Stop moping about.. it won't get you anywhere. Use it as motivation, use it to better yourself and at the end of the day you won't regret anything. Channel whatever emotion you have whether it be anger, or depression and use that to stand up from the ditch that you're stuck in. Just get up..

It's time for lambs to become lions because in life there are no underdogs. We are what we make ourselves to be.

.........

2011-03-10T01:58:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I dread the night, because what comes with it is fright.
It's not because of the absence of light, it's the thoughts that don't take flight.

I try my best not to think of you, but when I close my eyes it's just you through and through.
My friends tell me to start something new, but for some odd reason I just don't share the same views.

I stay up at night remembering how it felt, when you sat on the roof and beside you i knelt.
They say you have to live with the hand that you're dealt, but a few words from you and for sure I know I'll melt.

Some singers sing about being shattered, I feel what they feel because deep down inside I'm battered.
People chase after you like sheep following the herd, how the heck am I supposed to contend when I know I'm just another nerd.

Maybe it's a battle that I just can't win, but I don't want to leave just yet til the credits say fin.
Most people would solve this with a bottle of gin, I on the other hand just try my best to keep it in.

More often than not I feel ridiculously confused, each and every day this predicament grows frustratingly obtuse.
It doesn't matter if I come up with a strategy or a ruse, it's as hopeless as squeezing a lemon hoping for a little bit of apple juice.

I don't know what to think anymore, so I write this in the guise of humor.
To me you're still all that I adore, or maybe like what the spanish say, this I think is amor.

First photo blog ever... most probably the only one I'll ever do.

2011-02-03T18:09:00.007+08:00

Warning.. these images may induce shock.. or not. Scroll down slowly...

So it started off as a pretty normal day in RX.. With Fran and I joined by JJ of Radio 1...

and then I got bored, so I decided to put on a GUN SHOW...

and then on the lower right side of the screen an unknown figure popped out... which looked eerily like Sadako from the ring thus ensuing in the next set of photos....

Moral of the story... no matter how masculine you may seem, your true colors will always shine through.

P.s.

I hope this puts a smile on all of your faces coz it surely did for us :)

Wedding Vows

2011-02-02T19:06:00.002+08:00

So today on the show we asked people to send in their future wedding vows and of course it only seems fair that we came up with our own vows. So here's to the future..

I've been through a lot to say the least, to me life has been a beast.

I've been shattered, i've been broken, but throughout all of this I've remained open.

You've proved to me that there is good in humanity, and it's not all just about sin and vanity.

You've picked up my heart's broken pieces, mended my soul with your ridiculously amazing kisses.

You make me want to be a better man, even if this sounds as cliche as a line from jean claude van damme.

I'll admit to you there were times when I felt doubt, it comes naturally when above my head there's always been a cloud.

But because of you I started to believe, that eventually a day would come that I would feel relief.

Now I'm sharing all of this with you and a bunch of other people, when the only thing going through my head is my god you're so beautiful..

I won't ever leave you, but keep in mind that I'll always need you.

I'll drive the kids to school in a minivan if I have to, massage your feet when you're tired too.

I wouldn't mind living in a small house, as long as with you and me it's never cat and mouse.

I pray that you won't ever get tired of me, even when I turn seventy-three.

Because these words I write for you are concrete, and without you, my life wouldn't be complete.

I love you now and forever, so here take this ring and dance with me 'til we wither :)

2010 in a nutshell.

2010-12-31T18:56:00.002+08:00

Dear 2010,

You've been a crazy year. I'm sure this applies to a lot of people. There are many reasons to be thankful for what you've brought about, but at the same time there's also plenty of reasons to be pissed off at you. I've had my fair share of trials and tribulations with you but I can honestly say that I don't blame you. There are many things that I've learned from you. There are many things that I picked up from the pain you've brought about but also many good memories from the smiles you've brought to me.

I started with a trip to Bangkok with my dear radio family, a new adventure for me since I've never been there. I had plenty of kilig moments even if it cost me an arm and a leg to access the internet just emailing about flashes of lightning and talking about turtles. You taught me that sometimes things don't work out for a reason, sometimes people are really in your life for a different purpose.

You revived my ability to write. You taught me that whatever I felt would be better expressed written and that more often that not things that are unwritten should be let out in the open. You taught me that letting it go is as simple as being honest with what you really feel. You taught me that there is much happiness to be had when you see happiness in other people. You taught me the real meaning of being selfless.

Then you gave me new opportunities, you gave me something new yet again. You gave me a TV show to host which I'm amazingly proud to be part of. You gave me new friends and a new challenge, something to build up on and something to improve at.

Then you took me to a cloud, you brought me up so high. Met new friends along the way. You gave me hope, you gave me something to believe in. You inspired me and you reminded me that I can still feel that way about people. You reminded me of what it's like to have faith, to believe in something you can't even see, to fight for something that you truly think is worth it.

Then you brought me back down to the ground teaching me that opening up entirely is something you should be more reserved about. You taught me fear, you reminded me of trauma and you reminded me that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, no matter how hard you believe in it or no matter how hard you fight for it. You taught me that there are some battles you can't win. You taught me about the ABCs of love and that no matter how painful it can get more often than not you will still give way. You will still learn how to forgive despite how unforgivable the situation may seem. You taught me that love doesn't always have to be a two-way street and that in REAL love you just give way to what the other person wants and it won't always conform to what you need.

But from the ground where you brought me to, you helped me up. You taught me that no matter what, friends will always be there for you. They will stand with you through thick and thin and that they will support you no matter how hopeless you may seem to them. They will always have your back as long as you're in the right path and that they will give you advice even if you don't seem to pay attention to them. You taught me that even when other people consider them as your "competition" friendship will always trump work. You taught me how important friends and family can be.

You let me realize that I have brothers from other mothers. Family that I've never known before and true camaraderie in the guise of laughter and insults.

They say that you should end the year right to start the year right....

At the end of this year, I will spend New Year's eve alone on the helipad of where I live watching the fireworks all by myself because if there's one thing that this year has taught me it's that I should learn how to do things on my own and I should learn to be alone.

At the end of year 2009, I was wishing for one thing. I was wishing for my next great love to come along. I was hoping for her to come around and I was hoping for a companion to go through life with. In the year 2010 life didn't give me what I asked for, instead it deemed that I should get COMPANIONS to go through life with. It may not be what I asked for but it's something of equal importance.

As this year comes to a close I will no longer wish for what I wished for in 2009. I just wish that I have the strength to stand on my own and that I learn to appreciate the things that I already have and the people who are already with me.

With that, I say goodbye to you 2010... I thank you for the lessons you have taught me, the people you've brought into my life and the trials that you've given me. I say goodbye to you with a smile on my face not because I'm glad that you're over, but because I'm glad that you've left me several lessons which I have yet to learn. I will greet 2011 with a big resounding hello and I can only hope that it's as great as you've been to me.

Love, Gino.

To the orange and his loneliness. Because nothing rhymes with it.

2010-11-15T10:12:00.002+08:00

Here's something I write to you, to explain to you why I do the things I do.

At first I thought that I was for the best, but as it turns out I'm just like the rest.

I'm starting to clearly see, that that's really not what I'm meant to be.

When I first met you, you were troubled and you had a bit of misery but I could still see that you were pretty happy.

Now that I've come along, I somehow feel that for you it's just like a sad song.

I feel for you when you cry, I know how you feel without me even having to try.

I wanted nothing more than to make you happy, but now I can see I just make you feel crappy.

I wake up everyday thinking about you, sometimes I wish it weren't true.

I'm so conflicted with you, that I feel like I need to kneel on a church pew.

I pray EVERYDAY that you gain clarity, and a huge amount of serenity.

I want you to be free of thought, so you can forget the evil that was wrought.

I wanted nothing but the best for you, even if it means me being out of the queue.

I want you to know that each moment with you, for me is something magical. No matter how mundane or trivial.

I've always felt like a set of lyrics, misplaced from it's melody aimlessly wandering the sound waves of eternity but in you I found my harmony.

I wish you felt the same way, but I know that for you it's like finding a needle in a stack of hay.

I know you've got a lot to handle and that you're still broken. I thought that maybe your walls were something I could crack open.

But it seems you need isolation, which I'll give to you without hesitation.

Because that's what you do for the people you love, you'll give them A,B,C and all of the above.

I know now that I have to walk away, because in the end I know that without me you'll wake up to a better day.

So now I think I should say goodbye, and hope and pray to God that I don't cry.

Because the best thing in my life right now is you, now I guess I'll just have to make do.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

2010-11-12T14:12:00.000+08:00

Chapter 3

Several months of not hearing from her obviously didn’t do him good. He didn’t really know how to handle himself after that, after all it was the first break up he had ever gone through. It wasn’t something he was used to, nor was it something that he had practice with. It had completely devastated him, whatever good falling in love did for him was the same amount of negativity he had to deal with when Kate left him. It had left a hole in his being, he had yet again felt unwanted, uncared for, and unloved. Back to normal I guess you could say, but this time around it’s a little bit more difficult. The yearning for love was already there, he already felt like he was missing something like he was incomplete without it. Sadly there was little he could do about it because Kate wouldn’t even pick up any of his calls, and the worst part about it is that he didn’t even know the reason for it. One of the many things that people find hard to handle during break-ups is not finding out why it happened. Closure is always important.

Now needless to say the boy’s friends weren’t oblivious of this. They knew that something was troubling him and they dealt with this the best way they could. They set him up with another girl by the name of “Anna”. Anna was great, she was nice, caring, friends with a bunch of his friends and well she was.. convenient. They got along well enough and she helped him ease the pain. But sadly Anna wasn’t Kate. But this boy knew nothing about love, knew nothing about what to do with it so since he knew that Anna liked him, he eventually started going out with her. Slowly Anna started making him feel whole again, but not as whole as Kate did because he knew that it just wasn’t the same. The hole that Kate left was still there, he didn’t know that he had to fill that up first by himself before he should let other people in.

And so a few days before Christmas, Anna was speaking to the boy over the phone. They had gotten into a relatively deep conversation about feelings and Anna had opened up to him and told him that she loved her. Thinking that he was already over Kate, the boy reciprocated and they decided that it’d be a great idea for them to be together. It was something new for him, it didn’t feel as magical as it did with Kate but he thought to himself, maybe it’ll grow over time. They said their goodbyes for that night and they put down the phone. Not a minute later the phone begins to ring, he picks it up and for a split-second his heart stops beating. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in a long time, a voice that he had missed dearly, a voice he had tried to forget over the past couple of months, a voice he completely didn’t expect to hear specially not a minute after he just got into a new relationship. It was Kate. She started off with a simple yet very straight to the point greeting “It’s Kate, how’ve you been? I missed you.” This made the boy’s heart jump right out and suddenly remember everything that he tried to cover up. Instantaneously a flood of emotions overcame the boy and he was just in shock. He couldn’t speak, and Kate noticed this. She started laughing and followed up with another question, “How’s your love life?” Then out of sheer panic and due to the sudden rush of emotions that overcame the boy had said something that until this day he regrets, his moment of sheer douche-baggery, the first time he ever became an asshole towards women and one of the biggest lies he’s ever had to live with. “It’s non-existent”.

He had told Kate that he wasn’t seeing anyone, wasn’t dating anyone, wasn’t in like or in love with anyone on the eve that he just got into a relationship with Anna. He had said so because he feared that Kate would disappear into the nether yet again like she did before. He completely disregarded the fact that he had just gotten into a commitment with Anna, and that she had done nothing to deserve such treatment. But the boy was in love still, and he didn’t know better. He didn’t even bother to correct himself with what he was saying that night, he stuck to it because he didn’t want to jeopardize the chance to rekindle whatever it was that he lost with Kate. Tonight he stepped into the world of being an asshole, being a liar and being selfish.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

2010-11-10T10:59:00.000+08:00

Chapter 2

Several weeks after the fair the boy received a very strange call. Now he wasn't used to receiving personal calls at all, most of the time he'd just be answering the phone and handing it off to his dashing brothers since they were always the center of attention in whatever coed (or non-coed for that matter) school they went to. This time around it was a different story, this call was actually for him. It was a call from Kate. He was obviously shocked as to how she got his number and the bigger shock came after, why would she call? They talked and talked and it turned into a daily, or should we say nightly habit. He enjoyed it, every minute of it. For once he had felt special, for once he had felt liked, for once he had felt needed and most importantly, for once he had felt wanted. He had been sleep deprived for several weeks since these conversations would happen at night until the break of dawn discretely hiding under a blanket so whenever his parents would check up on him in his room it'd seem like he was just asleep. They hadn't even seen each other since the fair, and he missed Kate so he summed up the courage to ask her out to a birthday party. Kate unfortunately wasn't able to go, but he still had fun with the copious amounts of alcohol in the party, though he still felt like something was missing. See the thing with him is that he could never really enjoy parties or being outside when his mind was hovering on someone. He would always want to be with that person, so whilst enjoying the alcohol in the party he'd be on the phone with her. Concern was exchanged throughout this conversation, mostly coming from Kate, things like "don't drink too much, I worry about you" or "maybe you should go home already, I wouldn't want you getting drunk" now most members of the male species would find this irritating, they'd find it controlling, constricting even. He on the other hand loved this, he loved being protected, he loved knowing that someone was out there watching out for him, he loved knowing that at the end of it all someone cared enough for him, and so he paid attention. He went home only to talk to her some more.

Now throughout this entire conversation he noticed that Kate was using a certain term a lot almost to the point of just inserting it into any conversation that they'd have. So he eventually asked her why this was so, and for the first time this is when it hit him. This is when his world was rocked upside down, this is when he realized what he was missing out on, this is when he literally felt butterflies in his stomach, he felt his heart pounding and he felt it deep in his chest. Kate uttered 3 simple words in a gentle whisper-like manner.. "I love you". Naturally he said it back and he felt right. He felt that all the years of childhood oppression that he had received from the school bullies had been nullified by these words. He felt wanted, he felt in place, he felt needed, he felt amazing, he felt love. For a while this feeling lingered on and everything was right in the world.

He absolutely loved being in love, it was a terrific feeling. Now in a span of a month and half they had only seen each other twice. They talked regularly but he wasn't really allowed to go out much. The first time they had met when they were officially together he had to wait for Kate for 2 hours only to spend 15 minutes with her. But he was alright with this, he had deemed that she was worth the wait. No kisses were exchanged, no holding of hands, no hugs even for he really didn't know how to go about initiating these kinds of things and neither did she. But this was more than enough, it was a big step considering that their entire relationship was solely based on telephone conversations.

The 2nd meeting was another monumental step in his life. It was the first time he ever got to hold a girl's hand. It was the kind of holding hands experience where he wouldn't even want to move because he was so afraid of letting her go and disappointing her, holding hands so fiercely that your palms would eventually get sweaty. It felt like the world had given him a pat on the back for doing so, and to make things even better right before they parted ways, he got his first hug. Now it wasn't the best of hugs because in his panic he had accidentally put his hand on her butt which was something Kate didn't notice but for him it was an error of terrible magnitude. He felt like he had grown up that day. That he stepped into the world of becoming a man. And the reigning thought on his head was that he was still loved. He still felt it. He treasured it.

A week passed by after the 2nd meeting and he was preparing himself for a pitfall of sorts because he had just found out that Kate was apparently going to Baguio for an entire week since this happened during summer vacation. An entire week without talking to Kate for hours on a telephone seemed like a daunting task. It seemed like it'd take all of his strength to not miss her and to not spiral into sadness. But they made do with what little time they had talking on a cellphone for about 5 minutes a day, sending the occasional text message and calling each other for seconds every now and then just to remind each other that they loved one another. A few more days and he'd get through this.

The day that she had returned from her summer vacation felt like Christmas for him. He had been waiting by the phone the entire night knowing that she would call any minute, eagerly anticipating the ringing of the phone. The phone rings and he picks it up. They start conversing about what she had done in Baguio and what she had gotten him. Kate had a bracelet with his name on it obviously intended as a gift and they enjoyed the conversation they had about what she experienced in Baguio and he enjoyed it mostly because she was back in his life. Later on that night he started realizing that something was different, that something was missing, that something was off. He had a feeling of what it was but he refused to see it, eventually he then asked her if there was something wrong and she replied with silence. He knew there was something wrong, she then opened up and with 5 words she let him feel the single most grueling feeling he had felt in the 16 years that he had lived on this earth "can we be friends instead?"

He had never gone through this before, he didn't know that it'd be this painful, he didn't know that this was possible. He never saw this coming. And worst of all he didn't know that he could do something about it, so ignorantly he answered back "if that's what you want, then okay". They then found it hard to tak about anything after that mind-blowing line and they both said their goodnights and said goodbye. He'd been devastated, in a span of a month and a half he had gone through a 180 degree spin. From feeling on top of the world, to being on the bottom of the barrel. He was crushed, he lay down on the couch and he turned on the radio. Turning on the radio wasn't exactly the best idea because the minute he turned it on South Border's hauntingly melancholic hit at that time "Kahit Kailan" was playing.. and then he wept.

Several days of trying to get in touch with Kate didn't turn out so well either, he had gotten no replies from her. A week after she had changed her number without even letting him know. He started to doubt if that really happened to him, and he started to wonder what he did wrong. He just didn't know what to think anymore and he had felt forgotten, neglected and unwanted. He just wanted to get over it, but this wasn't as simple as it sounds. Nothing ever really is.

The continuous story of a boy who loved with all his heart.

2010-11-08T14:04:00.002+08:00

Now I know that we all have our opinions of when life really starts, some people say it starts at 40, or so the saying goes. Most people say it’s when you have a family, I on the other hand believe that life starts when you first feel love. Not the unconditional kind that you feel towards your family, but the kind of love that you volunteer for, the kind that hurts you when you don’t protect yourself from it. The kind of love that sticks out, the kind of love that you remember for a lifetime. This story is a recollection of a boy’s journey through love. And it starts with the first one.

CHAPTER 1

It all started when he was 16 years old. He was still in high school back then, not a care in the world whether it be for school, for the future or for love and relationships. Obviously this boy had already gotten crushes, the kind of which he felt passionately about but never really lasted for more than a week or so. He’d of course found women attractive already, but was never truly captivated by them, for this boy all he’d really care about is when he’d get to play billiards, go to a party, or play video games. Pretty typical considering his age. During one of those random moments where he just felt like he needed to go out, he went to a mall to meet up with a bunch of friends, now during this time cellular phones weren’t exactly common and he’d have to rely on his friends agreeing to meet up at a certain time and a certain place. Considering this was the Philippines everybody would come late, except for him. So off he went, aimlessly wandering the malls until he’d bump into his friends who he was supposed to meet up with. Little did he know that on this day he would meet the first ever person to show him the exact meaning of what love is.

She had jet black long hair, chinky eyes which he finds endearing, and a smile that’d put the sun to shame. Being the adolescent boy that he was, he was immediately attracted to her. Now, you have to take into consideration that this boy had never really had a decent conversation with a girl before because he came from an all boys school, that and he was going through puberty. Confidence wasn’t exactly his strongest suit, so he did what any awkward adolescent boy would probably do in this certain scenario. He just started following her around. No intention of talking to her because he knew that this was not something he could do. He just wanted a glimpse of this girl that he found so intriguing. After a few minutes of following her around he eventually lost her in the crowd and he thought to himself “oh well, that’s that”. But he was gravely mistaken, that wasn’t the last time he would see this chinese girl who we shall now refer to as “Kate” (obviously not her real name).

Several weeks later came the day that most high-school non coed students look forward to.. The fair. Now, for those of you who don’t know the fair is the one excuse for non-coed school to invite members of the opposite sex to visit the campus and well to simply put it, socialize.

So there he was enjoying what he would possibly classify as the best moment of the entire school year. See this boy was part of the Jail Booth committee thus making him a member of one of the most, if not the most profitable booths in the fair. And whether it be an adolescent boy or an aging man, monetary gain is always something to make you smile. He then continued on with his business when suddenly the tides had turned on him. He was handcuffed and dragged to the marriage booth, now much to the boy’s surprise when he looked at the girl that he was for all rights and purposes “engaged’ to at that day, it was “Kate” (on a side note the boy didn’t know Kate’s name yet, but since this is a story written far in the future of this boy, I’ll just go ahead and say it to avoid any confusion).

The boy was stunned, he did not see this one coming at all. Had he known, he would’ve prepared something to say, considering his inadequate skills of communicating to a woman. So instead he resorted to petty squabbling with why he shouldn’t be handcuffed and bickering about how hot it was and completely trying his best to not talk to the girl due to inability to start a conversation with her. Kate then surprised him even more when she started a conversation. Now it wasn’t a deep conversation, it wasn’t life-changing and it was more small talk than anything but this had been an improvement for our protagonist for he never really had a decent conversation with a girl of the same age before. Eventually time passed by and the boy ended up getting married to Kate, in the fair of course and not in real life. Now during the course of time that the boy had spent with Kate, the boy made absolutely no effort to get in touch with Kate. He didn’t ask for her number or her email address, not because he didn’t want to, but simply because he didn’t know how. But fate has a strange way of arranging things for this boy, and even though yet again he thought that this would be the last time he’d get to talk to Kate. He was wrong yet again.

Unwritten

2010-08-27T21:59:00.003+08:00

There's a million things that I haven't said to you, and I hope that somehow you actually get to read this, so this one's for you.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't find the courage to stand up for you. I hope you know that it's not because of a lack of love, but it's because a different kind of love is conflicting with my standing up for you. I know that this may seem unfair to you, and trust me it's unfair for me too, but one of the things I've learned is that things are almost always never fair. This may seem trivial to you and you may not understand it but I hope that one day you will.

I'm sure that as of this point you're questioning exactly how deep my love for you is so let me try to point out a fraction of the things that I loved about you, because I don't think any website could handle the amount of things that I'd have to type in to describe the way I feel about you and the things that I love about you.

I loved the way you smell. I know this sounds silly but with or without perfume your scent always haunts me wherever I go, I loved hugging you because it'd give me the chance to catch a whiff of your scent. It calms me down, it lets me know that no matter how tough my day is, was or will be it'll get better soon. It sends shivers up and down my head that I just can't explain. Just the thought of it already makes me smile.

I loved how I could tell the way you were feeling by looking at your feet, I'd know if you were excited or amazingly happy when your feet would start tapping away like crazy, it's almost like you were trying to imitate the penguin dance from happy feet and with that of course comes this amazing smile that you have. A smile that just takes peoples' breath away. It's not one of those generic "I need to look good for a photo" smiles, but a genuine heartfelt beaming smile. It was always something I worked hard on because I loved seeing that smile on your face. It was always rewarding for me because I felt that I just saved the world whenever I'd see that smile on your face.

I loved how every time we'd see each other it felt like we hadn't seen each other in years. You'd jump up and down all excited to see me and I'd just be smiling at you deliriously happy to see me. And for some odd reason every time you'd say "what" your tongue would sort of stick out. That for me was just extraordinarily cute.

I loved how you'd call me while I was still sleeping even if it was already lunch time, telling me that you miss me and that you were on your way to my house to bring me food, I still think about that every time someone calls me when I'm asleep, secretly hoping that it's you.

I loved how random we could be and how we could spend hours in the car just parked somewhere and we'd be talking about whatever it is that we wanted to talk about from the most mundane things up to the most relevant issues.

I loved how you understood my being a geek, not everyone gets that. And not only did you understand it, you actually immersed yourself in it. Graphic novels and playing computer games wasn't exactly in your vocabulary but you got yourself into it.

I loved how I could be so open to you about whatever it is that I was feeling and that I could tell you anything, no matter how stupid it sounded. You still listened.

I loved how you made me feel like I was part of your family.

I loved how you made me feel complete, despite whatever crap I was going through back then.

I loved how you forgave me despite my many unforgivable moments of idiocy. That's something not everyone can do.

I know you've found someone new, and trust me when I say I'm not writing this to bring you back or to confuse you. I'm simply writing this to let you know once and for all what exactly I'm going through without you. I wish you luck and I pray to God that the lucky guy you're with right now sees all the wonderful things that I saw in you. Like everything else I wrote earlier, I wish I could say I loved you, but I can't because..

I still do.

A Letter to the Filipino Youth

2010-08-24T02:08:00.003+08:00

I very rarely blog about anything of REAL depth. Today however I think I should make an exception. A good friend of mine wrote the letter below because of todays events.

I think it's the best place to start rebuilding our country's already tarnished reputation.

A Letter to the Filipino Youth

I would like this entry to be a vessel of words that every unassuming, Filipino youth can call his or her own.

Today I witnessed one of the most atrocious acts humanity has ever seen. Blood spilt, fingers pointed in all directions, and so much compassion and sympathy turning into spite and anger. Fellow Filipinos, I feel your pain. I feel your anger. Whether it is with the media, whose blind incompetence further fed a madman’s blood lust. Or Manila’s Finest, whose obvious lack of training has made a possibly peaceful exchange into a bloody altercation. We are even angry at our leaders, our politicians, who seemingly did nothing but throw out words and blame at each other, and exclaim the sorry state of our mother nation. Yes, I, as you, am deeply livid. Livid to the point of shame towards my nationality. But as I cursed and screamed and cried, I came to realize something: I have been looking through a telescope. Quirino Grandstand is miles away as I wept in distance. Truth be told, it is very easy not to care. How will this really affect the food I eat, the job or school I go to, or the people I say my hello’s and goodnight’s to? But to hell with that! The fact of the matter is, I DO care. There is a sense of nationalistic altruism in my blood somehow.

If only though a telescope.

I urge you, fellow Filipinos, to look at a mirror instead.

I have come to recognize that none of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for me. I am to blame. And I accept all the repercussions this event entails. I have not always REALLY cared for this country. This morning, I was not thinking about the inherent problems of social media. I was not pondering on answers for poverty. I was not thinking of how I could be a part of the solution for corruption and street violence. This morning, I had my own life. And suddenly, with the whole world watching, with the problem growing out of proportion, and with my fellow Filipinos affected, I began to care like a mother to her crying child. I am a sleeping giant, poked by a pin. Now, all my thoughts are dedicated to the flaws of Philippine government and media. And all my emotions are dedicated towards nationalism and unity. I am angered and displeased. But what have I done? I’ve simply tweeted some curses, blamed some people, offered a few well wishes and prayers, and that’s it.

One month from now, I will not think of Captain Mendoza or the people who have died and suffered in this ordeal. And why should I? Life goes on. But I ask you, fellow Filipinos, WHERE do we move on to? How do we live our lives from here? I believe that today was a message from God. Maybe I SHOULD think about the country more often. Maybe I SHOULD start doing something of my own to remedy the problems plaguing our nation. Maybe I SHOULD add the country to my nightly prayers. Right after I pray for my parents. My brothers. My sisters. All of whom I love dearly. Maybe I SHOULD start loving the country like I love them.

I place blame on myself because had I been doing all these things, had I lived my life even 10% more towards Nationalism and the improvement of my environment, I think maybe people like Captain Mendoza wouldn’t exist. Maybe media wouldn’t be so defective. Maybe our police officers would be more adept. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to have my telescopic sympathy turn into blind rage.

When Ondoy struck, I wept for this country. I handed out my donations, did volunteer work, and helped rebuild our city. But what then? What now? Honestly speaking, for me, Ondoy is past and I have not really done anything to remedy the situation. I am not even close to ready in case another storm of that magnitude hits. I’ve stopped caring. Even when deep inside me, I know I should care more. And even when, back then, I felt like I wanted to help the entire world. And for this, I am truly sorry.

Conversely, this is why I am truly sorry for the events that transpired today. I am at fault. I promise to do better. I promise to be a beacon of change. I promise to admit my faults and my selective sympathy. I promise that I will live my life, even to the least extent, making sure that something like this will never happen again.

I am deeply sorry, humanity. I ask that you forgive not only Captain Mendoza, or the media, or the police, but I as well. I am at debt to you and I can only hope that my words can help my fellow youth feel as I do.

**

I am Jay Abastillas. A Filipino. 22 years old. And I am sorry that I don’t pray for the country enough.

Freedom and Independence (not the two shuttles from Armageddon)

2010-06-13T19:40:00.003+08:00

Originally I was supposed to write an entry in all Filipino (or Tagalog whichever you prefer) but I figured that sadly I can express my thoughts better in English since my train of thought is well, in English.

What exactly is Independence? The dictionary defines it as freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. Honestly when it comes to politics and all of that I have no idea as to how it feels like to be under the control of a foreign power or the like or maybe a dictatorship since I was fortunate enough to be born in a time where we can really say that we have our independence. So instead of writing about something I have no idea about I'm gonna tell you about the way I see independence.

I live alone. I pay for my own bills, I pretty much control my time and whatever it is that I want to do at home (whether it be something kinky or not I leave up to your imagination) but basically what I'm trying to say is that the way I define independence is being free of control from my parents. I love my parents don't get me wrong, but I honestly think that I was born as a free spirit or so it says on my zodiac sign, I thrive on being able to do what I want to and I'm more responsible this way. Independence is a responsibility, it's a big one at that. It's not something that you can just have, it's something that you earn, something that you fight for, something that even when you already have it you constantly have to work for it. It's power in it's rawest essence and as the immortal line from spider man goes, with great power comes.... you know the rest. I know that most people in this generation don't really value the high price we paid for our independence, I sincerely hope that we start to act like we're at least grateful for what was given to us by our ancestors who traded literally blood and tears to have what it is that we so callously take for granted now.

I for one know that I've been taking it for granted, yeah I can speak Tagalog but I'd like to think that I should be friggin excellent at it since I've been in the Philippines my entire life. I understand Ilonggo since I lived there for about 3 years and I speak "fluent" Cebuano since I lived there for 4 years but Filipino is something that I should be more comfortable with since technically it should be my first language. Westernization is of course a big factor in all of this 95% of the movies I watch are Hollywood films and 90% of the TV shows that I watch are also shows from the UK or from the US.

Whenever people ask me why I don't move to a different country where supposedly opportunities are better I always tell them "I can't because I'm too comfortable here in the Philippines", and for those of you who know me, you'd know that I'm a creature of comfort. Whenever I go abroad for a vacation I can only stay in whatever country for a maximum of 4 days because I get homesick.

This entire weekend I tried to pay homage to being a Filipino by doing the Friday radio show in mostly Tagalog, on Saturday I TRIED tweeting entirely in Tagalog as well, and on Sunday Party Pilipinas did an independence day tribute. From saying "patotoy" on air instead of patotot, to screwing up my tenses on twitter, all the way to watching Filipino classics (that brought me back to my childhood) being performed on Party Pilipinas I had only one thought throughout this entire weekend.

I am damn proud to be Pinoy.

Happy Independence day everyone :)

The Road to Recovery

2010-05-28T01:41:00.003+08:00

Today, as I was walking by Emerald avenue, I started to realize a few things about my life so far. Lately I've been sulking around because of the fact that I'm completely not used to being single, I love the intimacy that relationships bring, I love the so called "duties" that come along with it. Always having someone around you when you need to watch a film, never feeling like a 3rd wheel or a 5th wheel for that matter when you're surrounded by couples. Always having someone to go to when you feel lonely, or when you've had a bad day, and having someone to give you that more than friendly hug when you really need it. Today I realized that I'm getting used to being alone. I watch movies on my own, or with a bunch of friends (even if I do end up being a 5th wheel). I shop on my own, I go around the mall on my own, I wake up alone. I'm starting to learn how to breathe on my own again. Little by little, I'm getting used to doing things on my own, enjoying tv shows on my own, enjoying food on my own or whatever it maybe.. I'm just starting to like hanging out with myself.

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with his girlfriends' friends, the girlfriend immediately said "why would I do that?" Now normally this would've been a crushing blow to my pride or my ego possibly thinking to myself "Why? am I not date-able?" Today it didn't affect me as much because I know now that I'm not ready to do so. I want to, definitely but I'm sure I'm just not ready for it yet. I've always had a safety net, I've never really recovered from a break up "cleanly".. I've always had someone on the bench (or something to that effect). This time around I have to get through it on my own, I have to be able to stand on my own two feet again without using crutches. I need to be able to rediscover myself. Cliche as it may be people always say that before you can love others you have to start loving yourself. I honestly think that because of the fact that I'm so used to being in a relationship and having someone there who loves me, I've sort of forgotten how to love myself. This time around, I'm learning to do so. I'm remembering what I like about me, I'm remembering what I feel is special about me and I'm really getting to know who I am and what I'm like.

It's not easy discovering things about yourself specially when you thought that you were the complete opposite of what you just discovered. But sometimes you just have to play through the pain to get what you want or basically to get what you need. It may take long, but I think that at the end of it all, it'll be worth it.

Promises

2010-03-16T15:27:00.002+08:00

What is it about promises really? What makes them so elusive? Why is it that the more you promise to do something the harder it is to do? Is it simply human nature to go against what it is that they say? Reverse psychology maybe? I'm sure you can relate to what I'm talking about.

In any relationship that you get into, whether it be a friendly one, or an intimate one, you're bound to make promises. "I promise to pick you up at 7:30" you get there at 8, "I promise to not cheat or lie" you end up doing both simultaneously, "I promise I'll be there" you end up going somewhere else, and finally the most commonly broken promise "I promise I'll never leave you" this is the probably the worst statement that could ever come out of anyone's mouth because 95% of the time it gets broken. I mean think about it, when you were in high school (or if you still are) we threw this word around so easily, yet really think about it, this is IMPOSSIBLE to keep. You're bound to end up with someone else, you're bound to end up disagreeing and breaking up, or even if love is there and you do stay together, you die eventually, thus leaving the person right? So yet again, it's an un-kept promise. This I think is already common knowledge.

Why do we still believe it? We buy into every word that they throw at us, believing with all of your heart that they really won't leave you. In theory, it's a lot like telling an 18 year old that hey Santa's real. We know it's not true, but we still believe it, we still take the bait. Not the smartest decision, but can we really help it? I mean can you honestly tell yourself that whoever is telling you that is telling you a big fat juicy lie? Is it in our nature to doubt such things? and even if it's not in our nature can we actually tell ourselves that it isn't true? Or am I the only sucker here? Do I believe in the goodness of people too much? Do I believe in the fairy tale ending that everyone deserves? Do I believe that everyone is capable of goodness, that everyone is capable of sticking to their word? I mean I myself have used the "I'll never leave you" line before, obviously I didn't stick to it. I'm not being Pontius-Pilatey about it, I'm just asking myself and you, Why do we still believe this crock of shit?

Bright side of it I guess is that at the end of the day, there's still hope inside most of us. Hope that one day, that statement will actually hold true.

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make somebody want to go and do that very thing." -Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Look A-Likes

2010-03-11T14:20:00.011+08:00

I just thought I'd post something that I think is funny for a change :) Celebrity look a-likes.

Mario & Chris Rock

Lebron James & Brian Mcknight

Josh Hartnett & Tommy Lee Jones

Clottey & Goro

Left 4 Dead

2010-03-01T02:31:00.002+08:00

Contrary to what you're probably thinking this post isn't exactly about the game Left 4 dead. It does however have a similar feel to it, minus the zombies and the guns.

Lately I've been seeing that people around me have been dating, starting to like other people, falling in love, staying in love and even getting married. What's the deal? Did Cupid drop by and shoot a nationwide arrow somehow managing to miss me? Or am I just starting to feel jaded?

I'm happy for the people who have been finding love in the most unusual places, really I am though sometimes I think to myself, how come I'm not in their position? Is it a choice I made? Is it just luck of the draw? Or am I just shutting myself out to the rest of the world? Truth be told I have no real reason to feel sad, or to be depressed, things have been going pretty well for me in all the other aspects of my life but it just so happens that this part of life really gets me, and more often than not either I don't find myself in these situations or I just completely screw them up. It makes me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Maybe there's just something about me that doesn't attract these things. Yet again I am left befuddled by this stupid situation and yet again,

I feel left out.

Gino and Fran's new adventure :)

2010-02-24T00:46:00.004+08:00

So today I did something completely random. A friend of mine asked me to vote for her cousin for an online competition which I had absolutely no idea about whatsoever.. When I checked out the website apparently it was a competition for United Colors of Benetton.

If you get to the top 20 they basically ship you off to New York to do a shoot for Benetton which is FANTASTIC. I mean going to New York alone is reward enough right? So I thought to myself why the heck not? And then I came up with an even better idea, ask Fran to join. So now since campaigning is apparently the "in-thing" We're gonna do it too. Don't worry we won't come up with mind-drilling, LSS capable jingles to brainwash you to vote, I'm just gonna ask you guys to do so.

So please if you have the time, vote for us! It's really easy, all you have to do is sign up and vote :) You can vote once everyday for the same person at least :)

Send Fran and I to New York, and we'll get you awesome things from there. (mostly stories) :)

http://casting.benetton.com/users/305106-gino-quillamor

http://casting.benetton.com/users/306538-monica-francesca-tobias

I can't seem to turn it into a link so just copy paste the url to your browser :) haha Muchos Gracias! :)

The eternal battle of the heart and the mind.

2010-02-19T10:14:00.005+08:00

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you SUPPOSEDLY know what the right thing to do is? yet after you're done with that decision you feel terribly wrong about it and you feel as if you got cheated out of life? Situations where you sacrifice your own happiness, your own well-being to make other people happy? Situations where in your mind you're just absolutely right, but completely wrong in your heart. Logically sound yet emotionally crushing choices.

Did you ever wonder if it was the right choice? How do you decide which one to go with? Which one can you live with more? In one corner you can breathe easy knowing that you did the right thing but at the same time, despite the "clear conscience" so to speak, you are just devastated, like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. You find yourself constantly looking back and thinking "did I really make the right choice?". If it was the right choice why does it feel so bad?

On the other hand, would you be able to live with yourself if you went with the emotional choice? The "screw everyone else, I want to be happy" choice? Maybe you're happy, maybe 1 other person is happy. But what about everyone else? Is it justifiable to save your own heart and break others in the process? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you saved yourself and completely damned others who were already in distress?

Maybe there is no right choice, maybe it's just a matter of sucking up to the consequences of whatever action it is that you do. Maybe at the end of the day all you really need is strength to fight for what you really believe in. Courage despite the seemingly impossible odds. Determination for what you really want more.

Is it wrong to think that maybe, just maybe God values you fighting for your own happiness just as much as fighting for other peoples' happiness? Maybe there is no high ground. Maybe it's just two different islands both on the same level, just take your pick at which island it is that you want to be at.

Another question I have in my head is, if you already picked one island, is it too late to go back to the other?

At the very end of writing all of this I discovered one thing..

Clarity is a bitch to find.

The game of life, or should I say the game that is life.

2010-02-07T12:53:00.004+08:00

As a kid my mom always told me that computer games are a waste of time, actually I think a lot of women in general think this. What most people don't know is that well at least for me, I learn A LOT of things from the games that I play. I know that sounds absurd but believe it or not, it's a reality.

On an academic note, the game Shogun : Total war taught me everything I know about Japan's history. From the Daimyo to the Shoguns to well basically everything abuot medieval Japan.

You can relate computer games to so many things in life, like for example Rockman for our Japanese friends or Megaman for our western hemisphere friends. For those of you who are not familiar with this game, you basically play as a man-robot boy with a laser cannon on your hand, you go through different levels and at the end of it all you fight a boss monster and when you kill the boss monster you get his/her power.

This is a lot like any relationship that you go through, at the end of it all, you might end up killing each other (figuratively hopefully), but either way you always learn something new. You always get a little bit stronger from the blows that you've taken from each other.

In most RPG's (Role playing games) that I play, more often than not you have choices which you have to make. Let's use Star Wars Knights of the old republic as an example. Basically you adventure through out the star wars world as a would be Jedi or Sith. I would always go to the Jedi direction, I would always make the "good" choices in game, whether it be saving an entire race from completely getting annihilated to convincing a once Jedi student to return back to the path of light after her descent into the dark side.

Now you're probably saying to yourself, okay how does that help me? Whenever I face a situation in my life where I did something morally questionable and I doubt my principles and morals. I remember the choices that I make whenever I start playing games like Star Wars KOTOR. For me it acts as a constant reminder that yes, sometimes I do make bad choices but deep down inside I'm a good guy and I know that I can make the right choices no matter how tough they seem to be. That I'm willing to stand by what's right even if it conflicts with what I want most of the time because at the end of it all I can look back and tell myself that hey I did make the right choice and as geeky as it may seem I am a Jedi. I'm sure some of you are saying, yeah the sith are cool, and yes I agree they can kick-ass but they're also the bad guys. Do you really want to be one? I know for a fact that I don't want to be one.

And for my final point and the game that made me realize all of this. The Mass Effect series. This game literally made me fall in love with games all over again, the story, the characters the delivery of the lines, the CGI acting, the plot. Everything's just amazing, but of course every now and then there are low points, certain parts of the game where it may seem repetitive and well routine-like. Like how you have to do well the same quest over and over again because well maybe you just need to, maybe because you failed at it once and that you have to just try again to get it right. But the feeling of accomplishment and content and general happiness of finishing that quest is pretty much reward enough for all the hard work that you put into it. More often than not when I'm so hooked onto a game I literally can't function as much as I want to without at least playing with the game for a bit.

This reminds me of what relationships are like, at the start of it all you'll be extremely ecstatic about it. You'll be in relationship bliss where nothing can go wrong and where everything is fresh, new and well amazingly beautiful. Then you hit your speed bumps, parts where you wish you could just have saved at that point in time and re-loaded every time you screw up. There are times when it seems monotonous and it seems like the things you're doing are only for routine's sake. But once you get over this hump you're back on relationship-nirvana again. And it makes all the tough times worth it. When you feel like you can't go on a single day without spending time or talking to the one you love.

But like all games, relationships end. And all you can hope for is a sequel, or for the next mind blowing relationship to come along and completely sweep you off your feet again.

The things you miss.

2010-01-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, I guess I can say that right? I mean with "the secret" and all I guess that would be the best statement one can make. But even with that, even with the happiest most content person in the world, I'm thinking that there just HAS to be something you miss right? I mean you can't ever be too content with your life. The way I figure it, the day that you're too content with your life is the day you stop doing anything progressive.

Off the top of my head things that I miss are mostly, well fine all about being in a relationship. First off, I'm sure that for everyone who's really fallen in love you already know that the feeling of being in love alone is a feeling that is definitely miss-able. Even if its unrequited love, yeah it's painful but it's still a good feeling to have. Obviously mutual love is a much much better feeling the feeling of loving someone and the feeling that that someone loves you back is well, to die for. It's just that there are so many miss-worthy things about being in a relationship. It's nice to have someone to watch a movie with. Someone to have dinner with after the movie. It's nice that you get to walk around and she just sort of hugs your upper arm and leans her head on your shoulder. It's nice that after a really terrible day you know for a fact there's an extremely wonderful hug waiting for you the minute you see her. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes when you haven't seen each other for a while the minute you see each other you sort of like do a little hop because of how excited you are. It's nice that she stays up with you whenever you need to stay up. It's nice to get messages during random times of the day asking you if you're okay or asking about your day. It's nice to see that out of nowhere you'll get a message saying she misses you, or as cheesy as it maybe that she's thinking about you. It's nice that while you're sleeping you get a phone call and the first thing you hear in the morning is the sound of her voice waking you up and telling you that she misses you. It's nice that when you're at work she just surprises you with food because she knows that you get hungry all the time. It's nice that you can go to "date places" or "couple places" and feel totally comfortable there and not out of place. It's nice to have little rituals that you both share. It's nice to have couples massages. It's nice that whenever you're going through a tough time she'll be there to hold your hand. It's nice that after every time you get into an argument you sort of feel like your love is renewed, well that and other things. It's nice that when you hang out you don't even have to talk at all and still have a completely good time. It's nice that sometimes you're in one room together and you're just doing the things you want to do, and she's just doing the things she wants to do and you both completely understand each other. It's nice that whenever you go out sometimes you realize that you'd rather just stay in. It's nice to have someone to watch a DVD of your choice and then to compromise you watch a DVD of her choice right after. It's nice to have someone to cuddle with when it's cold.

Looking at this really long list of things I miss. Yeah I think it's safe to say that I miss being in a relationship.

Mirror match

2010-01-16T00:17:00.002+08:00

For two straight nights now I've had bad dreams, the first night was about my past so I'm not gonna get into that right now. The one I had earlier today though was just absolutely disturbing. I don't know if you guys ever got to watch this old horror film called the shining. If you're a 30 seconds to mars fan, it was where they got the concept for the video of the kill.

Basically the setting was in a nice hotel, but strangely nobody was there. Usually I remember all my dreams but with this one I just got flashes of the scenes from it, basically first off the hotel receptionist turned out to be this big Frankenstein looking monster, not the cute nice guy looking kind but the murderous ogre-like looking one. It basically picked me up with one hand by my neck and tossed me into a hotel room where I saw a duplicate of me. But this duplicate had blood smeared all over his face and a bloody knife to boot. I know it doesn't sound too scary but I still feel really creeped out thinking about it. The images were so vivid in my head like they had been seared into my brain via hot metal. Aside from the mirror image me trying to chase me down with a knife I also saw a girl I liked throwing knives at me, take note KNIVES not a knife, and with every hit I took I would slow down, because obviously I was trying to run away from murderer me and murderer chick. Just before the final blow delivered by murderous me, I woke up with a deep gasp.

So this got me thinking, what was this dream about? Why is it happening now? Why was I scared of myself? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Maybe the new me is killing the old me? Maybe I just have so many skeletons in my closet that it's starting to occupy my dreams? or maybe I ate bad chicken before I went to bed. Who knows?

All I know is now, I'm trying to think of why I would be afraid of myself, and why I would have a murderer-like mirror image in my dreams. I'm terrified to go to sleep still. Or maybe my self-loathing has gone on to a different level. I really don't know.

Cold Turkey

2010-01-06T02:32:00.004+08:00

Earlier on in the day when I had just gotten out of bed, there were so many things I wanted to write about. So many thoughts I wanted to let out, so many things I wanted to say but I ended up not getting to do any of that. I ended up dumb-founded and confused. My brain ended up swimming in a sea of random thoughts, random scenarios, things that could've happened, things I wish would've happened and the things that did happen. And now as I start thinking about all of that and combining all of them together I started to realize that the mind I think is a torture device purposely put into the human body to constantly keep your life in check, never letting you become too lenient, too content, or too happy. There is apparently no greater prison than a man's mind.

You can dream about the best scenarios, anything from getting super powers, thinking of what to do if you got for yourself a hundred million dollars, imagining people naked, imagining a better image of you, and even a true love scenario. What sucks most about this is it gives you such vivid images, it gives you ultimate control over whatever it is that you want control over because you're just dreaming everything up.

But the minute you open your eyes you start to realize how you're just normal with no powers, that you're financially unstable, that the person in front of you is fully clothed, that you DO NOT have a 6-pack and that you're single and alone. I mean seriously why do we even think of such things? Why torture yourself and evade reality for a bit just to give you a taste of heaven for a little bit and then shortly after brutally rip it out of your system. Imagine smokers inhaling on a fine stream of nicotine and then mid-puff just pulling the stick away and never giving it back again. Imagine a mother giving birth to her baby and the minute labor is done just instantaneously take away the baby and never let her see him/her again. Imagine being extremely thirsty and just as you're about to sip on the most refreshing glass of water in your entire life the glass spills over. Imagine finding someone you've been looking for for so long finally giving you the sense of happiness that you think you deserve and then just POOF vanishing into thin air. Why do we play with these thoughts in our heads?

I know that dreaming gives you hope, but at the same time it makes you dread reality. I hope they come up with a lucid dream machine eventually, I think I'd like staying there for the time being.

*

Pawned

2010-01-04T12:29:00.004+08:00

You know how in battle so many sacrifices are made for the so called “greater good”? Today I realized that life is pretty much just a lot like chess, you have the king and queen, obviously the most important pieces, the rooks, the knights, and the bishops, and then you have your lowly pawn. Now I’m no expert on chess but I do know the rules and I know for a fact that sometimes in order to make your higher ranking chess pieces get the best position for the check mate or even just a check, more often than not you’ll have to sacrifice some pawns.

I personally know through firsthand experience that losing a pawn is nowhere near as painful as losing a bishop, or for more obvious reasons the king piece. It’s just the way things are, you sacrifice the less powerful, less influential pieces for you to attain what you truly want or value. No tears are shed (figuratively) over losing a pawn, and I know this may sound stupid but if you truly see past the game I believe that pawns matter. Does anyone ever care about how the pawn feels? About how the pawn could actually turn the tide of battle? Or how a pawn can achieve greatness given the chance? Queens on the other hand move all over the board, they have the most power, it's the most valuable piece on the board in terms of purpose, when you lose a queen I'm sure you'd feel it. It’d be nice if players started treating the pawn with a little bit more importance than what we usually give it.

They say that for you to be a good strategist you have to value each and every single unit you have, whether it be a pawn, a knight, a bishop, a rook, a queen or a king. But of course this is not how we think, I mean losing in an online game or something is translated to you just got pawned. Go figure.

Interpret this in whatever way you like, it can apply to so many situations in your life. But I guess my point here is to make people realize that pawns have the ability to be great, the ability to do well. I mean after all you shouldn’t forget that when a pawn gets to the very end of the board.. it can be whatever you want it to be.

Treat your pawns right. No matter how lowly they may be.

*I just realized this right before I was just about to post this, a pawn can be whatever figure on the board, except the most important one... The king.

Oh well..

2010-01-03T15:04:00.003+08:00

I heard this song today and realized how much this song meant to me back in the day, I know it's gay but whatever I'm posting it anyway. :) f*cking boy bands and the lyrics they come up with.

98 degrees - Invisible Man

You can hardly
wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always
makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when
you're makin' love
He's everything
you've been dreaming of
Oh baby

I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes
lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than
any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man

You probably spend
hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter
what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up
whenever he appears

I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...

My dear john letter to 2009

2009-12-31T16:38:00.003+08:00

Dear 2009,

First off I'd like to thank you for the wonderful things that you've brought into my life. You gave me a good job, you gave me enough finances to sustain my needs, and well you gave me a lot of good times. So for that I thank you, I'd also like to say that you were kind of a bitch for taking away Michael Jackson, Francis M, Brittany Murphy, Patrick Swayze and the thousands of Filipinos that you took during typhoon Ondoy.

Now on to more personal things, I don't know why you just had to screw with my head so much, what did I ever do to you? I mean here I was trying to live a peaceful happy life then you just had to go ahead and screw it all up. What's up with that? I mean you know for a fact that more often than not I have good intentions, why did you have to change all of that at certain periods of time? Why would you make me do things that I've never done before? I'm glad that I'm just writing this for you because I don't know what I'd do to you if I ever bumped into you again. I know this may sound bitter but I'm glad that you and I are done, I don't think I can handle you anymore. A little bit more time with you and I'd seriously consider jumping this ship that is life. Why do you constantly bring my hopes up then tear it down right after I'm starting to feel a semblance of happiness? Did anyone ever do that to you? More often than not people just hope for you to be good to them, but alas it doesn't work for everyone does it? I know that it didn't for me. I just want you to know that when you and I started I treated you with the utmost respect and you just spat on me. So before you go claiming that you're the shit of this decade..

I'mma let you finish, but I think that 2008 was better than you.

Sincerely
Gino Quillamor

If Star Wars had facebook it'd look a lot like this

2009-12-26T11:22:00.006+08:00

Seriously I haven't laughed about anything online in a long time. Star Wars FTW! :)

The holiday spirit.

2009-12-24T20:44:00.002+08:00

If you read my blog, then you'll probably realize that it's been a while since I last posted anything. Things have been going pretty well in my life lately, I've been having a lot of fun going out with new found friends and all. I've seriously been having loads of fun this Christmas season because it's also my birthday month so as you can probably imagine it's a bunch of parties left and right. I haven't really had a lot of alone time lately which is I guess what I was after too.

And so comes Christmas eve. After dinner with my parents I immediately went home mostly due to the fact that I was completely exhausted this entire week. The minute I get home I get on my computer and put in a steady playlist on my I-tunes, get myself a glass of amaretto sprite and the first song that plays is Katy Perry's - Thinking of you. This song brings back a LOT of memories, good ones, which is what makes it very bitter sweet. Remembering something that you used to have, something which you thoroughly enjoyed, and something you still miss up to today. I'm happy for the year that has been but somehow it deeply saddens me that I have to leave it behind. Leaving 2009 behind is very painful because along with it I had to leave people behind as well. If I had it my way it wouldn't turn out like this but hey everyone knows you don't always get what you want. Never underestimate the power of songs, no matter what song it is, it will always take you back to a certain time or memory that could either be amazingly happy for you or terribly saddening. I guess it's just right that I am a DJ.

So to the year that has been and to the people who have touched my life this year, I wish you all the best. You know who you are, I just hope you read this. I truly, sincerely and whole-heartedly wish that you find love & happiness and I honestly hope I find that too.

Merry Christmas everyone. :)

Rememberance

2009-12-12T03:10:00.002+08:00

I've been a host for almost 3 years now, I've hosted company parties, corporate events, parties, debuts, weddings, birthday parties, kiddie parties, school fairs, concerts etc. But nothing could have prepared me for the hosting that I had yesterday.

I hosted a eulogy for my friend's uncle who I got to hang out with as well.

It's amazing how much of an emotional roller coaster a wake can be, A lot of people who were a lot closer to the celebrant than I was spoke about him too. The reason why I say celebrant is because I'd really like to think that he's in a better place, therefore it should be a cause for celebration. Now I know for a fact that I wasn't the only one who thought of this as well, but how do you honestly expect to be happy knowing that you'll never get to hang out with this person again, knowing that you wont hear his voice, his laugh, or see his face again? Even if you know that he is in a better place it's still undoubtedly one of the most difficult things you can do. People laughed, people cried, most of them started off with the memories they had of him, the good times. They tried their very best to keep the mood light and happy but at the end of it all, remembering all of the good things made them realize how much they would miss him.

I'm not bragging or anything but I consider myself to be a relatively okay host, but in a situation like this I don't think that really counts. I said a lot of things yesterday but I didn't want to share all the memories I had of him. So instead I'll write it down here, I know that possibly a million people could view this (I highly doubt that) but I consider this to be my own little private space where I can really say (or type) what's on my mind. So I'd like to share my own farewell for him from a non-hosting perspective.

Tito Nilo, you were one of the most generous people I've ever met and trust me I know a lot of generous people, you never brought about bad vibes whenever we were hanging out, you never expected anything in return for your generosity despite our efforts to try to repay you. You were an amazing defender for basketball, and a really awesome "bro". A lot of us looked up to you in a way that you possibly couldn't have understood. I know that you had a lot of things you still needed to do, but I'm sure that at the very end you figured out that you did so much more than what everyone expected of you.

From Basketball, to Jolibee, to fiamma, and to isshin. In the many many times that you showed your generosity to us. I hope that when I spoke for your eulogy I was somehow able to repay you for all the kindness that you showed us. I know you never asked for anything in return but I hope that you would consider what I did yesterday as a final gift to you.

Rest in peace Tito Nilo Malfatti. God speed.

The winds of change

2009-12-08T05:01:00.002+08:00

"The only thing that is permanent is change." - Heraclitus

It's amazing how fast we can adapt to certain situations. A few weeks ago I was feeling terrible, I felt like I was at a low point of my life. I wasn't coping very well with being single since I'm not very used to it.

With no major event happening in my life, without any trigger of any sort. I just woke up and said it's time to stop moping around. All of a sudden everything seemed okay, everything feels alright. I don't feel the need to be with somebody, not that I'm saying that I don't that want to happen but I just don't think it's a necessity anymore. I'm coping with it pretty well, just enjoying whatever it is that I'm doing as of the moment. Simple things from basketball, to going out with friends, playing xbox, playing a multiplayer game with friends. Everything seems enjoyable, I guess you just have to find your niche. They say that the human body can only take chemical imbalances (i.e. Love, Depression, Anger) for a certain amount of time. I guess that amount of time has passed for me.

I'll end this entry with a quote from one of my favorite zombie films. Zombieland.

"Rule #32 in zombieland. Enjoy the little things."

The best of both worlds

2009-12-03T11:56:00.002+08:00

First off, good morning world. It's the first time that I'm actually writing a blog entry in the morning. I literally just woke up and my mind is still pretty much fresh from dreamland.

I remember having a conversation with my friend yesterday about Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby. If you don't know who these two are they're characters from how I met your mother. Barney is a smooth talking, amazingly colorful, womanizing, Armani clad man full of awesomeness. Whereas Ted is a failed architect turned professor. He's terrible at dating and he pretty much doesn't really dress up. He's a total romantic sap. Now this friend of mine and I just share one thing in common, we both just got out of long-term relationships. If I remember correctly he broke up with his girlfriend 1 week after my relationship ended. So as you can pretty much imagine I guess we're both going through the same thing.

We talked about how he feels like he's Ted Mosby disguised as Barney and how much he wanted to be just like Barney. 1 shallow one night stand after the other, with the ability to be un-emotional when it comes to relationships. Yes, I agree that there is an upside to this because well at least you don't get hurt, but what I pointed out to him was that at the end of it all even if the Ted Mosbys' of the world are more often than not disappointed and hurt, at the end of it all we're the ones who find TRUE happiness. The Barney Stinsons' of the world may have fun now but at the end of the day they lead empty, hollow lives. And then it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be amazing if you had the ability to switch between these two characters at will? Being completely emotion-less as you're going through the dating ranks then once you find someone who you feel is going to be terrific together with you, you suddenly switch to Ted mode?

At the end of the conversation I remember telling him one thing, If we're both so sick of just being depressed, maybe it's time we get back into the game :)

sap.

2009-12-02T00:23:00.002+08:00

Yes the title pretty much says it all. For those of you who cannot handle cheese, this is it. Turn back now.

I know that stereotypically I'm not supposed to want cuddling up, spooning, curling up in bed with someone and watching dvds or something to that effect but sue me because that's what I miss the most.

The one thing I truly miss about being in a relationship with somebody is exactly that, the quality time. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite though and say that I didn't enjoy sex or whatever (yes that's an open admission that I'm not a virgin anymore, big whoop) but yeah, sappy as it may seem I really miss the quality time. I guess I sort of miss the routines of being in a relationship as well, things that seem like they're chores when you're in a relationship are the things that you miss when you're not in one. I don't fully understand why people are like that? Why do people only realize things they have when they're already gone. And even if you go through it again, chances are you'll get sick of it again and let it go. Rinse & repeat. Why is it so hard to condition the human mind into just being content? I know for a fact that this ambition, or this drive for something better has a good side to it because you'll constantly be on the lookout for something better, but is there a point where you can literally just tell your mind "Stop! I'm fine with this. No more hunting for better things"?

Contentment (Who by the way is friends with Expectations and Reality. They're like the mean girls/plastics of the Word World.) is such a bitch to find, always hiding, always making you think that you've got it already then once you have it in your hands all of a sudden it slips off into nothingness. Then you're back to square one.

I know that ambition is a powerful driving force, but is there a way to contain it only to certain aspects of life? I mean don't get me wrong, it's not like I wanna settle down already or anything, but maybe I just want somebody I can call on whenever I've got good news, or bad news, or any news for that matter. Maybe I just want somebody to be there for me, in the same way that I would be there for her. Maybe I just want someone who I can hold for however long I want to hold where it wont feel awkward and you don't have to politely back down. Maybe I just want to see someone smile at me not just because you haven't seen each other in a while, or because you said something funny but because they're just truly happy to see you. Maybe a part of me wants someone to go home to, or to go home for. They say Sagittariuses are free spirits, they say that we thrive on freedom and we're sucky at relationships.

They may have been right about the latter part, but I highly disagree with the former.

on the wire.

2009-12-01T01:25:00.002+08:00

To start things off I had a terrific weekend. For the first time in two years I finally took a vacation just to sort of rejuvenate for the past 2 years of non-stop working I guess. Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful that I've been incredibly busy for the 2 years I've been working but I guess this was just a much needed break from work, life and I guess at some point myself as well.

I spent the 1st night just looking up at the stars for a good hour and a half until my neck started to hurt and one very silly yet meaningful quote came out of that night, "The world is just like a vagina, you just have to find the right spot". I know that most of you probably think this is stupid, but seriously I found meaning in this for some strange reason. I think I have found my general spot, I guess I sort of just have to fine tune my territory if you know what I mean.

If you've read my blog I'm sure you'd notice that I'm not really 100% happy with the way life is right now, I mean seriously doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure that out but as a silver lining to this incredibly dark cloud that I'm moving through right now. I think I've finally found where I want to be and it's right here where I am now. I just have to work for a few more things to make it completely or to say it in a more realistic manner to be extremely close to perfection when it comes to life.

I've never really realized the importance of vacations, until now. I started to think that I like my life, I love my job, and I love the friends that I have. Vacations give you time to clear your mind to realize all the good things that you've got going for you. It makes you see what you're missing out on or in my case what I was missing. When I went back home I felt incredibly happy.

I never knew the world was this nice, you just have to find the right perspective when you're looking at it :)

Solitude

2009-11-26T00:34:00.002+08:00

I'm terrified.

Today right after basketball, my phone's LCD conked out for no apparent reason, I finished playing at around 10:30pm, Originally I was supposed to go out to encore with a bunch of friends, as you can see my phone conking out proved to be a problem. I didn't have any of their numbers so as early as now, I'm sorry Christi and Gelli but I'll make it up to you guys. Now normally other people would just take this as a sign to stay home, I on the other hand tried my best to find a way out of it. 1 of the reasons of course is because I had already given my word to my friends saying that I would join them but I think the bigger reason is because I didn't want to be at home alone when I had absolutely nothing to do at home and I wasn't even tired yet. Then I realized,

I'm afraid of being alone.

Do I not like myself that much that I can't even bear the thought of being alone by myself for 1 night, I mean obviously I've done this before, I live in my own condo but what gets me the most is that usually when I do stay at home I'm usually extremely tired, Exhausted to the point of collapsing or I have something that I have to do at home. Today however I have absolutely nothing planned, and I'm seriously terrified of being here. I honestly don't get it, I've been living by myself for almost 2 and a half years now, well sort of, the house I lived in for about 2 years was full of other house mates. for 5 months or so though I have been living completely alone. Which bring me to yet another stunning realization about myself that the reason why I'm rarely single is because I'm afraid of being alone. I jump from one relationship to the next and I think this is the only time that I'm truly single, what I mean by that is that I'm not dating anyone, I'm not TRYING to date anyone, or I'm not getting anywhere with anyone and it's gotten me completely terrified. What am I so scared of? If there are any psychiatrists reading this blog is there a name for this condition? What am I supposed to do? Please if you know anything don't hesitate to let me know. I want to fix this, I know I'm sociable but this is just insane. I don't want to be alone with myself. I'm scared of the things I'll think of, I don't want my mind to be idle because the minute I do the pains of the past start to seep in and I don't want to be caught in that slump again.

I miss my phone.

Distractions (The good kind or at least I think so)

2009-11-25T00:48:00.002+08:00

First of, as I write this I had to turn off the music. Apparently I find it hard to write something that makes sense (I hope it does) while the glee cast's version of defying gravity is playing in the background.

Now I'm sure we all have a ton of things we're all stressing about, it could be anything from work, to relationships, to financial stability or instability for that matter or familial obligations. There's literally a thousand things that could probably be making your life more difficult right now. I know a lot of you are probably saying that this is just life, and that's just how it's meant to be. But let me ask you, have you ever gotten to a point where it was just a little bit too much for you to handle? That you just want your brain to stop functioning even for a split second just to give you a little sense of peace and serenity? Where you feel like you're going to implode (not in a good sexual manner) because of everything that's happening around you? If you have then I hope you've found your distraction because I think I've finally found mine, or maybe I should say I rediscovered it.

If you know me personally I'm sure you've pretty much figured out that I'm not the most athletic person in the world, I probably could have made it big if I pushed through with golf or swimming but I never really had the heart for it. If you know me even better, I'm sure you're thinking in your head that video games are my ultimate distraction, but lately it hasn't really been working. Would you believe I haven't touched my xbox or my rockband set in almost 3 weeks? That's how disturbing life has been for me in the past few weeks that even games, my number 1 distraction hasn't been working for me. The fact that it doesn't work for me anymore totally kills me because now I'm stuck with depression and no way of handling it. I really just wanted a little peace of mind in this time of turmoil. Much to my surprise I finally discovered something pretty unexpected, I found my distraction and I know it may sound stupid to you, yes you but it's been the focal point of my happiness as of late.

Basketball. I know it sounds stupid, but lately this has been the only thing I've been looking forward to lately (sounds kind of sad I know). But right after the adrenaline and the high of being on court I just end up too tired to actually think about everything I've been stressing about, don't get me wrong it's not like I've forgotten my problems or anything but I've just been really preoccupied with it that my brain doesn't have enough left to think of anything else. Oddly enough it's not like this is the first time I've ever played basketball, I mean I've been playing since I was in high school (I know it doesn't look it but I swear).

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I found a distraction, but it makes me wonder though, until when is this gonna distract me? I mean video games used to do it for me before (that sounds so dirty in my head right now) now it's completely lost it's power over me. When is the day that I have to face my fears and not just keep myself busy with distractions? When will the day come that I won't even need distractions? Trust me, I would give off my left pinky to just write down EVERYTHING that I feel here, but the fear of rejection, of humiliation is just too great. I wish I could just write the way I feel about you right now, right here and just leave everything else to chance. But sadly that's not the way the world works, you have to wait for the right time, the right chance to say whatever it is that you have to say. The first step however is getting them to look at you, sadly as of this moment I'm just another face you don't even remember in a sea of people vying for your attention. So even if I did write it all down here, I don't think it'd be worth anything.

A really good friend of mine who knows my situation wrote a song about it, I read the lyrics that he wrote and it just hit me so bad that it hurts. I hope that he can make it happen though, and it'd be nice to say that eventually if the day comes that I can actually talk to her I could go like, hey you know my friend was inspired to write this song because he knew exactly what I was going through.

Today I thought to myself that playing games, and playing basketball were distracting enough. I wrote about it being a good distraction.

I was wrong.

Romance is dead.

2009-11-23T12:50:00.002+08:00

I'm not cynical believe me, and I don't hate love, in fact I cherish it. I'm sure you're thinking this is me just being bitter or something along those lines, but there is a reason this post is titled that way.

Take twilight as an example, or of course the talk of the town for the past 2 weeks or so, New Moon. They say that every woman wants an Edward Cullen in their life, someone who would love them as much as Mr. Cullen himself, that it's really not just because he's good looking, rich, incredibly strong and fast or whatever but it's also because of the fact that he is completely, utterly in love with Bella.

Example number 2, How I met your mother. If you haven't seen this series yet, I recommend you do. Ted Mosby, he's the most romantic/sensitive dude on television. He doesn't say I love you just to get in your pants or whatever, when he says it he actually means it. He's not deceptive, he doesn't play around and well he's a decent guy.

Example number 3, Ewan Mcgregor in moulin rouge. Completely in love with love. All around good guy, doesn't even think about anyone else except Satine despite her being a courtesan.

Example number 4, Romeo. As in Romeo & Juliet, I don't think I even need to describe this story to you anymore.

Chronological breakdown. In Romeo & Juliet, Romeo dies (of course so does Juliet). WHY? why do they have to punish people who are just in love? Is it a crime? I mean why did the writers have to do that? Is the world trying to crucify people who believe in what they feel? It's pretty much the same story with example number 3. Christian a.k.a. Ewan Mcgregor, believes in love so bad that he fights for his love for a courtesan despite oh I don't know certain death? and lo and behold just right after they make it through the frigging storm the writer decides to kill Satine! Yet again telling the world "Hey kids don't believe in love, because more often than not It'll kill you."

Now on to my other 2 points, In How I met your mother, Ted more often than not, gets rejected. Whereas barney has slept with about oh I dunno 200 women according to his list. Not that I'm saying that sleeping with other people is the objective but how is it that he gets to get the girls despite his ulterior motives? Don't get me wrong Barney is an awesome character, he's highly entertaining and all but most people would say I'd want a Ted in my life not a Barney. But look around you, Barneys everywhere are glorified left and right. Teds are forgotten.

Which brings me to my final point, In New Moon, everyone says I want an Edward Cullen in my life, somebody who can love me as much as he does, blah blah blah blah. Right after you watch New Moon, the only thing you'll hear is "oh my god Jacob was so hot". Mr. Romance (the college dork who doesn't know a thing about playing around with women and only says things because he means it) just got trampled over by Mr. Realism (the college football player, the prom king or as it was said in 500 days of summer, Lars from Sweden, with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.)

Click.

2009-11-23T02:15:00.003+08:00

As I write this down a thousand thoughts run through my head, but I'd be lucky to write down at least 1 coherent thought.

Let's start with one topic of discussion that has been coming up a lot lately..

Regret.

I know we're supposed to live life with no regrets and all, but seriously is this even a realistic statement? We go through so many things in each and every single day of our lives and we're bound to do something that we absolutely abhor. I think the more realistic thing to say would be live life knowing regret, not forgetting it or not letting it go, but learning from every single painful detail of it. I mean after all like Alfred said in Batman Begins, "Why do we fall off the horse? So we can learn to get back on it."

I won't lie to you, I have a million regrets in life, simple things from why did I eat this today? Why did I drink this much today? Why did I make a left where it was completely traffic? To the more relevant regrets like Why did I not do as well as I should have in school? Why have I always been an academic under-achiever? Why did I let go? Why didn't I have enough courage to say what I really wanted to say? and so the list goes on.

I know it'd be completely wonderful to say that I have no regrets in my life and it gives you this aura of wisdom about you, but honestly, ask yourself, do you REALLY have no regrets in your life? No moment in time where you wish you could have just hit the rewind button on the lower left corner of your life just to go back at least 1 minute before you made the first move or for that matter the last one?

Within the million thoughts running through my head right now 999,999 thoughts are probably things that I regret, I'm not saying that I wish I could change it all because if I did it would totally change who I am now and what I've become. All I'm saying is, it would've been nice to change at least 1.

The Fear (no not the lily allen song)

2009-10-22T05:00:00.004+08:00

It's odd that I find myself on this very familiar screen yet again. I find it odd that I find myself writing again, well they do say that it's so much easier to write when you're feeling emotional so go figure.

Just a few realizations of the day.

-Being alone in front of a laptop on your bed while surfing/writing and listening to songs with your headphones on is quite enjoyable.

-The most shallow things that you never would've figured would trigger emotions do.

-Basketball is a very physical sport. (My whole body is just aching.)

Forgive me if this entry doesn't have any pattern whatsoever but seriously I just miss writing down my thoughts.

Have you guys ever been infatuated? Do you ever understand it? Have you ever been in a situation in which you find yourself getting unusually melancholy just because you haven't talked to somebody that you only talked to ONCE in your life? Somebody you actually "run" away from whenever you see them just because of sheer I dunno maybe fear? But don't get me wrong it's not the kind of fear you get out of watching The Exorcist or what not, it's more of like my God if I screw this up this is gonna be screwed up forever. Well I have, and I'm supposed to have no problems with talking to people, but when it comes to people who matter I end up buckling up and wanting to go home and assuming a fetal position in bed. The worst part about it is, you really can't do anything about it.

I haven't felt this way since high-school and I actually thought I went past that stage already. The funny thing is I've interviewed international celebrities and I've never buckled this way before not in a way in which you can't even glance at the person, or flash a smile her way or at least wave. I mean seriously Gino what's wrong with waving hello? I'm sure there's really nothing wrong with it, but I'm sure there's something wrong with me. When I figure out what that is, I'll be sure to let you know.

Normally I'd hate myself from signing off this blog in such a way but today, and for the past couple of weeks or so it's very understandable.

-The Pussy, a.k.a. Gino-

Science Fiction, what's not to love?

2009-05-20T02:39:00.002+08:00

So I did say that I would sort of turn this into a gaming blog since it's one of the most influential things in my life. Okay that's an understatement, If i had 1 word to describe who I really am I'd say gamer.

First on the chopping board is Mass Effect, so for all you gamers out there I'm pretty sure you've already heard of this game but for you non-gamers It's a science fiction game that's on all platforms from the 360 to the PC.

Now I don't know about you guys but for me in my world of gaming the story of a game is amazingly important. I don't just play no-brainer games (well fine maybe I do sometimes just for stress killing), but what really compels me to play a game from start to finish is the story line. Now Mass Effect is just amazing! story wise it's got a really interesting pseudo movie feel to it, and if you're a big fan of sci-fi then this game is just for you. It's got all the interesting elements to it, oppression with regards to the human race, the pressure of extinction, the scary "you-don't-know-what-you're-up-against" feel, and of course love.

I first played the pc-version of it and I finished it there as well, now the way I play games, I play to finish it the fastest way possible and then once I'm done with the story that's when I start to really take my time, go and check out all the quests and stuff and basically just take advantage of the replayability and the free-roaming factor of the game. I'm currently re-playing it on the xbox and I gotta say despite the fact that I already know how it ends I still love the game or maybe it's because of the fact that it reminds me of star trek since after a few hours of play you get to command your own ship. Oh and did I also mention that there are multiple endings for this game?

Here's the story so far, no spoilers so no worries :)

At the very start of the game, it'll ask you to input your profile, basically your character's background, as of now I'm a war hero who fended of a whole platoon single-handedly while waiting for reinforcements to arrive. Now the galaxy is obviously inhabited by humans and other races, some of which are turians, quarians and krogans. Now the galaxy's governing body is called the council which is made up of older races, humans not included since apparently humans are a relatively young race.

The council has a special task-force, a right-hand governing agency if you will called SPECTRES. Now spectres are a group of elite soldiers a little bit like delta force or maybe the israeli mosad, or U.K's MI-6 only difference is the only higher authority than the spectres is the council itself. When you're a part of the SPECTRES, you answer only to the council and no one else, basically bypassing all forms of law-enforcement agencies and rules. Now since you create your own background you're pretty much a hero of the human race and a prime candidate for the first ever human to be part of the spectres. And this is where your journey begins.

I guess this is one of those games that are a just a little bit complicated for your newbie gamer, but if you know your way around an RPG, like neverwinter nights or final fantasy maybe then this game is for you, specially if you loved star wars : knights of the old republic.

Science Fiction really is the way to a geek's heart.

Technology, Man's new master.

2009-05-17T12:49:00.002+08:00

I feel naked today, I feel so hollow and uneasy.

I kid you not when I say that everyone is insanely attached to technology nowadays, everyone's so dependent on it. Would any of us live a day in the days of old where they had no electricity? no plumbing? no cars? no means of communication? In Sci-Fi ways, yes technology does make us better in a way that now we can kill a man with just the pull of a trigger but do you really consider that better? I mean in the olden days you had to be skilled, it took years for a man to master a blade, or if you go back even before that, people used their bare hands which I'm sure took even more skill. Can you imagine doing homework nowadays without the help of the internet? Actually doing research in a library without lights, using a candle and all that? I bet you, 80-85% of people nowadays can't even start a fire without a lighter or a match. I'm pretty sure you can't tell time by the sun as well and don't feel bad coz well I'm one of these people.

If this is how things are now, I wonder how things are going to be like in the year 3000 or something. I don't think we'll even be walking, that scene from wall-e where everyone was just fat is a very very likely possibility.

Today... I left my cellphone at home, 4 hours at the station without a phone is torture.

On pride and Twitter, or should i say "pride & twitteruice"

2009-04-29T02:25:00.002+08:00

It started out as a pretty normal show today which turned into a small competition on who had more twitter followers, just a simple bet at first then it friggin snow-balled into a (well in my definition) serious competition between Fran & I.

Basically by monday next week, May4 at the very end of the show, whoever has more followers on twitter wins, and well here are the consequences.

If I lose, I have to take a photo of myself in a dress, with make up, and lights.. basically the whole 9 yards, (courtesy of treiz)

If I Win, Fran has to do a Marilyn Monroe impression photo complete with the white dress with the fan blowing it up and the blonde wig heck we should throw in the mole too of course (hopefully courtesy of treiz still).

Sometimes I seriously get in wayyyyy ahead of myself, I mean just the thought of me in a dress is simply absurd. So Please, do the world a favor and instead of creating an abominable picture of me in a dress, put Fran in a white one dressed as Marilyn Monroe and follow me on twitter. =)

www.twitter.com/ginoboi

--you'll make the world a better place. for real.

Bird crazy

2009-04-14T00:44:00.003+08:00

Everyone's going crazy over twitter, seriously and is it only me or does everyone find it amusing that every time there are too many tweets on twitter it shows this funny loading screen of little birds carrying a whale.

I find it amusing, or maybe I'm just shallow.

I seriously think that one of these days, the wall-e human situation is gonna push through. One of these days people are gonna be so attached to their chairs and computers that our bodies wont be able to support out weight standing up, that we'll all be fat, and glued to our movable computer chairs.

If that's the case, I'm way ahead of everyone on this trend. Think of it this way, fashion goes around in circles, fads do the same thing. In the renaissance period men with bellies were cool. Abs were un-cool. I should have been born way earlier. Quality over quantity, 1 big AB is so much better than 6 small ones. Right? I'm pretty sure everyone who agrees to this has a gut like I do.

My train of thought is completely scattered today, derailed would be an understatement.

"Sufferin suckatash"(as Sylvester would say)
http://twitter.com/ginoboi -------- Tweet me.

help out a friend, your post-lenten season sacrifice =)

2009-04-13T17:01:00.002+08:00

so i'm helping out a really good friend of mine, it's a school project so please help out. If you have a facebook account all you have to do is go to this site and click become a fan :) please please! consider this as a post-lenten good deed =) cheers!

http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=90451501760

lies anyone?

2009-04-10T19:57:00.002+08:00

What is the basis of a white lie? Is it really so bad? I know that lying is basically bad, but is there ever a situation where hiding the truth or lying is acceptable?

Whenever you do the right thing for some weird reason it always blows up in your face, sometimes it's so tempting to just lie about it and just get away with so many things or cause no damage whatsoever. I mean really think about it, in certain situations when you hide or lie about something to not cause pain then you're doing a good thing. More like a the end justifies the means sort of thing you know. But when is it ever really right to just lie or hide something?

If you have the answer to this question please let me know. I'm finding it very hard to answer this.

Excitement and a dying cause.

2009-04-01T11:49:00.002+08:00

Yet again, I find myself in starbucks sitting down, this time with a not so familiar drink in my hand, It's an Iced soy green tea latte (thanks to jolly) which I think is awesome.

A couple of days ago I discovered the wonders of twitter, and the celebrities that come along with it. Now for those of you who tune in to RX all the time and listen to Jumpstart or whatever show it is that I find myself on every now and then, you'll know for a fact that I'm hopelessly devoted to
Kate Beckinsale, who on twitter is known as KBWiseman (since she's married to Underworld director Len Wiseman). I took a leap of faith adding her up pretty much expecting to be rejected since it was an account that was set on private. Much to my surprise she allowed me to follow her 2 days after.

I was talking to fran about it and I had decided to send her a message, just to say thank you for letting me add her up and basically tell her that I'm a big fan of hers, so much of a fan in fact that when she added me on twitter we had to talk about it on radio.

2 days after she replied telling me that I had a great job, and that without DJs music wouldn't be trendy and introduced properly without us. I took that as a huge compliment, aside from the fact that KATE BECKINSALE added me up and messaged me personally. I guess I just never thought that in this lifetime I'd actually get to communicate with her. A boy can dream.

I could go on about this more, but ever since I started this post I knew that it wouldn't last for long since I'm at a starbucks with no outlet for plugging in your laptops. Odd, yes, but so is the idea of Kate Beckinsale messaging me.

Written

2009-03-04T04:19:00.002+08:00

I feel like the Doogie Howser MD theme should be playing in the background while i type this in.

I was planning on getting a massage today after boardwork, unfortunately the place that I would usually go to was already closed so I decided to just go home instead. I checked out the new DVDs I had and I started watching slum dog millionaire in the hopes that it would put me to sleep already, it did the exact opposite. The movie for me was absolutely captivating, and it really made me think a lot. For those of you who haven't seen it yet it deals a lot with destiny. This got me to thinking, do people really still believe in destiny? Do you honestly think that a certain path is written down for a man or woman to fulfill in his life?

More often than not life gives you very unexpected turns, things that you would never do in a million years but you end up doing them anyway. At one point in life I'm pretty sure you thought that you had a brilliant plan laid out, and you were so sure about it too. But what if something you didn't expect, something you didn't plan out deviated you from that path? What if you suddenly found yourself in a very strange road that was not at all familiar. Will you eventually get back on that path? Is an unexpected turn of events just a momentary bump to hinder you from getting to the end goal? or does it change completely because of that bump?

I know I may not be making much sense to most of you, but I guess I just have so many questions about life right now. I'd seen myself going to a very specific end goal before, and I was so sure of it. Bumps happened and now as much as I still want to end up in that specific place, I don't know if the universe will allow it, with all the complications in life, I don't know if it'll still end up the same way I always thought it out to be. I know i can plow through whatever challenge life throws at me, but at the end will I be standing there alone? In a place that's so unfamiliar, so alien, so strange to me? Or will it all still be the same. I think it was machiavelli who said the end justifies the means, so I guess the last question I have in my head now is if you change the means, will the end result still be the same?

journey to the center of me.

2009-02-24T22:51:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting in a starbucks that is very familiar, with my ever familiar low-fat mocha frappucino with no chocolate drip and no whipped cream with so many thoughts running through my mind.

I never really knew the importance of a few days. I always thought that if it was important enough it could always wait for the right time. I never found much value with the saying carpe diem until today. It's amazing how in a few days so many variables in life can change. That in so little time so many life-changing things could occur. I feel like I'm back in high school where everything was just extremely emotional and everything made you feel like you could take away your own life.

I've never truly been alone in my life, I've always had a safety net of sorts, I know that no man is an island but at this point I think it's about time I learned to stand on my own. If I ever read this in the future and I'm having doubts about myself or whatever situation I'm in. Here's a message to future me. Don't give up, really think about something before you do it and if you've thought it thru, do it right away. Regret is one of the most painful emotions ever, I guess I'm feeling that now actually I know that i'm feeling that now. But it's called regret for a reason, it's over and done with and more often than not you can't do anything about it anymore. I pray that I'm able to stand by the decisions that I've made recently and I pray that my resolve doesn't falter. I'd like to think that in every painful experience you have, you learn a lot from it. I just wish it didn't have to hurt this much.

I'm now embarking on a journey to know who I really am and i'm sort of looking at it in a positive way. I know that whatever it is that I find in myself is something that I will like, something that I'll be content with and maybe then I can move forward. I hope that I don't have a lot idle moments because I know for a fact that everytime I do i'll be thinking about the mistakes that I've made. My dad told me something today that I've heard before but I've never really paid attention to. An idle mind is the devil's playground. In this scenario the devil is me, and I have to stop playing with myself ( hehe I know that sounds incredibly bad but I'm hoping you know what I mean). I pray for the strength to stand by my choice, I know it's gonna be hard but I hope that I can prove myself wrong. Emotion like my dad said, is governed by will. I hope that my will is strong enough to overcome these amazingly strong emotions. But if there's one thing that these emotions are giving me today, It's something to write about.

epic blog SAVE

2009-02-07T12:42:00.001+08:00

25 things that everyone on facebook is pressured to do.. and since I pretty much have so little time to write these days I'll just post this here. hehe

1.First off, damn 25 things?! couldn't they just have made it like 10, I mean, who has 25 random things about themselves handy for situations like these.

2.I'm an extroverted geek, I love playing computer games at home but more often than not I can't stand being alone at home.

3.I like being sexy, although I'm really not and I've never ever been sexy so I wouldn't know how it feels, but I still like the thought.

4.I moved out of my parents house with 4000 pesos in my wallet and no bank account, thankfully I work in radio and TV now. Now I have a bank account with no money and I have less than 4 thousand in my wallet.

5.I'm a secret sap, Only 795 of my friends know this.

6.I don't sleep normal hours, although my room has no windows so it emulates night and that's good enough for me.

7.I dislike sunlight, not because it burns my skin or anything but I hate sweating when I'm not in gym clothes.

8.I'm currently on a canned tuna diet, and I TRY to run around the village every night to lose weight.

9.Damn I miss rice.

10.Damn I miss chocolates

11.Damn I miss softdrinks

12.Damn it all to hell, I'm no longer on a diet.

13.I'm pretty much a walking contradiction, I love to work, but at the same time I wanna just stay home and not do anything, I hate the sun but I love the beach.

14.I seriously need a vacation, just a LITTLE bit of time to get out of town or something

15.I spend at least 5 hours in front of a computer everyday, not because it's my job but simply because I want to. And no I don't allocate all that for porn, that only takes up 4 hours and 45 minutes of the 5.

16.I constantly pray that a mercedes benz slk 350 just drops out of the sky (in perfect condition) for me.

17.I think I'm currently in debt due to my phone bill, I call a lot apparently.

18.Coincidentally my show on RX is called g-spot and my show on ETC is called chillspot.

19.I have two older blood brothers and a ton of brothers from other mothers.

20.I dream of eventually living in a WONDERFUL condominium where everything is just amazingly minimalist.

21.I play basketball with my high-school barkada every Saturday but for some weird reason I don't think I'm getting better at it. ( I expect a lot of responses to this and knowing my barkada none of them will be positive)

22.I was named after a Russian ballerina and a Russian politician, take your pick.

23.I used to hustle pool, now that there's a pool table at home I suck at it.

24.I used to hate blogging but I then realized that it'd be a good writing exercise.

25.I have a blog haha, wwww.geekygangster.blogspo

t.com

Home Improvement

2009-01-27T10:46:00.003+08:00

I had another clear dream today, unfortunately it was rudely interrupted by people knocking on my door, but i still remember the details of it. What I don't remember though is the purpose of the dream. Basically I have the setting down but not the plot.

In this dream I had a BEAUTIFUL condominium, I mean don't get me wrong I love where I live in now, but this place in my head was just amazing. I distinctly remember the amazing bedroom that I had in it, It was very minimalist, nice clean lines and most of the colors were earth tones, It was a king sized bed, with nice wenge colored furniture in it. Something else stood out though, in a sea of neutral colors, I had dark blue glass cabinets. I don't exactly know what they're called but I've seen them plenty of times before in different colors. Imagine blue wood with non-glare glass on top of it, with nice sliding doors and all.

Of course I didn't just stay in the room so I eventually ventured out into the living area, and my God it was just such a sexy/sophisticated looking pad. It looked like a catalog for Ikea or Bo Concept. In the middle of it all though there was a tall and thick glass panel, from the floor to the ceiling. It was apparently meant for writing, one of those "boards" where you use like green or orange markers, though underneath the glass was a little pond of sorts complete with stones (the type you find in Japanese rock gardens). There was a little bar by the kitchen too, where I guess more often than not is where you would eat if you were just alone in the house or if you're just having breakfast. Basically everything was just so pristine. I honestly wish that I could draw properly only to give justice to this dream.

Another odd thing was that when I had stepped out into the balcony, It wasn't the Philippines i saw on the outside, It was a different country. I don't know if I should interpret this in the way that I think it should be.

Is this my sub-conscious telling me that if I go out of the country I would be earning so much more and basically living a life of luxury and style? Or does this simply mean I should re-arrange my furniture?

Parental Disclaimer

2009-01-23T07:15:00.002+08:00

I truly feel that I had to write something on this because I guess for me this is one of the biggest enigmas in the world. I just finished watching meet the fockers and well a thought just dawned on me. Has anyone ever truly unlocked the secrets of parent-pleasing?

This I guess has always been a challenge for me because more often than not I'm very bad when it comes to parents in general, I mean except of course for my own. My biggest problem is that I'm EXTREMELY shy when it comes to parents and I guess they mistake that for being insincere, or they think I'm hiding something, or I deal pot, or I'm just cocky and I don't talk to parents. But see that's the thing, for me when I'm too comfortable with parents I feel like THAT'S being too cocky, because if you get too comfortable it's like your putting yourself on the same level that they are, which for me is really not supposed to be the case. No matter how successful you are, or how famous you are you will never really be equal to your friends parents. They've endured so much more than you & I have and for me that equates to adopting the "do not speak unless spoken to" mantra. I feel like that's the respect that they should be given. That's the respect that they should have.

Of course this doesn't bode too well for me, because like I said they often misinterpret it as a sign of disrespect. But you see if they could only understand that the reason why I'm extremely shy and quiet around them, then they would realize that "hey, this guy's just respecting me". I usually can't look parents straight in the eye much like a servant would not look at his queen's face. "I'm not worthy" is pretty much what goes through my head when moments like that occur. I don't know if this is all a part of the whole generation-gap thing, but I just hope that I make parents in general understand why people like me do that, because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has this problem. I've seen people who become close to parents in a heartbeat and honestly I don't know how they do it and I envy them. I mean it's not like I have anything to hide, I don't deal drugs, I'm not a convict or whatever, and basically I'm a pretty decent guy. Maybe some people are just born with that parental connection, and maybe some aren't, but maybe the reason why I'm posting this is in the hopes that someday parents will understand why guys like me will have a hard time being too chatty with them or TOO comfortable. We're not hiding anything we're just extremely respectful.

If anyone out there has a parental-pleasing guide, let me know and I'll try to use that as much as I can, Heck I'd memorize it if I had to.

2009 Unravels

2009-01-22T00:00:00.004+08:00

It's only been 22 days into the new year and usually i would think nothing interesting would really happen this early in the year.

I had a pretty phenomenal year last year, 2008 was the start of a lot of big things for me so naturally i would think that last year would've been a really hard year to top in terms of success and all of that. I had just recently gotten the amazing job of being a DJ at RX 93.1 since I won Radio Idol season 4. That in itself i think is a pretty big achievement already. July of 2007, I was jobless and thinking of ways on how to pay rent for the place which i was staying in. One day my best-friend talked to me asking for a ride to RX to audition for radio idol and he said "Why don't you bring a resume and audition with me?" and the rest is history. So here i was starting out 2008 as a Jock for RX thinking to myself "this isn't bad at all". Hosting gigs came with the territory making it easier for me to provide for myself since I was living independently. Couple of months later one of the former RX jocks asked me to audition for a TV show on ETC. My self-confidence wasn't really in the best shape since well I wasn't in the best shape but against my judgment I did audition. Weeks had passed and I thought to myself "I'm never gonna get that job". Yet again I was surprised to find out that they did get me, despite my being a little chubby they opted to get me and my supposed competitor. It ended up to be one of the coolest things that I ever got to do, I love my 2 co-hosts, the producers and everyone else there. Well basically I just loved the jobs that i had.

Now for me this is a pretty big achievement, from moving out of my house jobless to ending up with 2 pretty hard to get to jobs in just less than a year. I had started seeing a side of me which I never really saw before. Responsibility started popping out in my vocabulary and I began to hate procrastinating, being idle and well just being a bum. Now the year was about to come to an end then I started to realize that this would be a REALLY hard year to top which saddened me a little bit mostly because I wanted to constantly progress and I had feared that I had climaxed too early or something to that effect. I was extremely thankful for the year 2008 but I had been dreading 2009 since I thought that it'd only bring disappointment or stagnation.

2009 is starting to unravel in front of my eyes, and from the looks of it, this is going to be a pretty amazing year. Of course I expect bumps to come up every now and then, but with the news I heard today and if everything pushes through it's going to be a GREAT year and I'm pretty much way in over my head again. Although so far I've been able to deal with that and I'm extremely ecstatic about the direction that I'm going to. I can't disclose any details yet, but if I could use one word to describe it, it would be...

EXCITING.

There's a first for everything

2009-01-21T04:08:00.001+08:00

I always told myself that i would never actually get into blogging...

I guess that was a lie judging from the fact that I'm already writing my first post ever. Truth be told I guess i just miss writing. I used to write a lot of short stories back in high school and in my early college years and for some strange reason i just stopped writing. I remember telling a friend of mine that the reason behind this was "when you're young you're very very emotional, and despite the fact that more things happen in your adult life now you're more in control of your emotions". I'm trying to remember now who said that all good writers are very emotional people, well either that or they were always drunk or on something, like Edgar Allan Poe. So hopefully I'll get to tap into my emotional side again so i can at least come up with something decent, though now that i think about it more often than not i was depressed back in the day so I guess what I'm really hoping for is to just tap the emotional side of me in a positive way.

A really amazing friend told me today that i should come up with a dream journal since i always remember my dreams and they're always these vivid pictures of a "perfect" life. maybe that's a good way to start writing again.

So it all started on a baseball field, apparently in this dream i had become a family man. I had 2 kids, 1 son and a daughter, of course my wife was standing there right beside me. Now i have pretty vivid graphic dreams but i can't ever come up with names for the people in them so I'll be putting random names to my dream characters. I can't really come up with any nice names for my children so for the sake of functionality i guess I'll just name the boy Blue and the girl would be Pink (I know it's not very imaginative but hey it's 4:36am) and my wife hmm... let's say Bella (since i just saw a twilight ad on the net a couple of minutes ago).

So we were standing in the baseball field my 2 kids were part of the little league team in a village over at Sta. Rosa, Westgrove to be exact (I'm pretty sure they don't have a baseball field there but hey it's a dream after all). The umpire had made a few bad calls when it came to my children playing naturally as the father I started getting pissed off and i was immediately thrown out of the game mostly because of the fact that I really wasn't the coach (Like a scene from old school where Vince Vaughn had been thrown out of a soccer game for his bad behavior, only the difference is HE was actually the coach). So here i am stark raving mad then i walk on over to my shiny silver SLK230, which i find very odd mostly because of the fact that I USUALLY want all my cars to be black aside from the obvious fact that i don't really drive around in a Mercedes. So i started driving back to the house. I had opened the gate of the wonderful glass house that I apparently lived in and parked my car with my wife's car following closely behind. She was driving a black Mercedes ML500 SUV (I just found it very weird that her car was black, is my subconscious telling me that I'd be giving up my wants just to make my family happy? I'm not really sure so I guess I'll have to consult somebody for that). So i was still pretty much mad but then Bella came up to me and just kissed me on the cheek and just because of that I had felt so much relief that I had completely forgotten about what I was stressing out. Blue and pink had already gone inside the house so Bella and I followed them as fast as we could. The minute i had walked into the house I had acted like it was nothing new in my dream but when I was thinking about it in real life it was truly a BEAUTIFUL house, very minimalist, very stylish and very bright (I mean it was a glasshouse after all). It had nice dark wooden planks for flooring, white or maybe beige walls, gorgeously designed ceilings complete with wooden beams and all, great lighting and a very nice black marble or maybe granite kitchen counter. The first thing i did as i walked into the house was head on over to the kitchen to prepare food because my parents were apparently joining my family for lunch since they lived in the same village.

See the thing with dreams is that while you're in it you don't really appreciate too many things in it, but the minute you wake up you suddenly see all these wonderfully intricate details and emotions attached to the dream itself. When I analyzed the dream I just realized how much pleasing my parents meant to me and how much I really want them to be part of my weekly routine even if I already had my own family.

My parents had just arrived together with my 2 older brothers, 1 of which had 2 children. Blue and Pink had run on over to the gate to welcome their grandparents, uncles and cousins, while Bella and I were pretty much busy setting up the table for them. We had a pretty ordinary lunch which i guess means that we had this every weekend and this wasn't anything new to well basically "dream" me. I don't exactly remember what happened after that, my dream had skipped a couple of hours to when Blue and Pink were in bed for an afternoon nap. Bella and I decided to go cycling around the village to the local gazebo where there was a garden over-looking a nice little meadow. Bella pulled out the red and white cloth where we were going to enjoy our little afternoon picnic is (I know, I know this is really typical, the checkered cloth I mean. I think every movie-picnic scene has this). Basically the rest of the dream was just bliss with Bella.

I guess this dream made me realize how much of a sap I really am, either that or I'm watching way too many romantic movies..